So Empty

I was writing this blog on the beginning of the last day in 2007. I don't know, I just feel so empty. I don't even think that 2008 would be a better year than 2007. We are amidst of the doubt. Though, maybe it sounds pesimistic but anyway that's what I am feeling now.

Home,
School, I mean University,
Social Relationship,
Harmony,
Disintegration,
Love,
Hatred,

Remains same. Nothing's gonna change if the people remain constant. I just keep thinking to make stipulated constant change through myself. But anyway who am I? Just a tiny little small existence.

My World Has Turned Upside Down

No, no it isn't about that picture. Maybe some of you could notice where is the picture taken. But anyway, I don't want to talk about the picture or the description about the picture. What I want to talk about is about what I feel recently, is represented by that picture.

I don't know, since I arrived here. I feel everything has to be started by beginning. I have to return everything to the "zero-default-condition". This mean, I feel I have to eliminate everything inside my mind, my heart, and my ego, and I have to set up everything once again. That's why I wrote this contemplation. A contemplation about" whyness"?


It's not typical of me who is very unmelancholic and ignorant. But I realize, after experiencing several events When people try to be ignorant and unmelancholic, It means that those people try to overcome their own problem of feeling with forgetting about it.

But, in the end, I've found that, those kind of behaviour really not help you to overcome your own problem.Sometimes, we should feel the pain of our own problem. We should aware that somehow there is an enjoyment of feeling lonely or feeling sad. That's the thing that I have to rethink once again.

Well, I know, everybody wants to be happy, including me. But when I found such that "invention" I try to think once again, "What is happiness?","What is sadness?","What is emptiness?". Even until now, we still can't define or realize what are the definitions of that three statements.

If you define happiness as an enjoyment. That enjoyment in sadness means happiness? And that's a contradiction. Since sadness is antithesis of happiness. And if sadness is defined as something brind disturbance to our life, another contradiction rises, because you feel enjoyment of that disturbance.

For me, studying in this small country, makes me notice that. There are such uncertain things that we still understand uncertainly. Even we try to understand certainly of those things, we got another uncertain understanding about it.

That's why, I call this blog "My World Has Turned Upside Down". Everything has changed and moved on. And I have to turn upside down also with her.

Well, luckily, I have fallen deeper and deeper in this contemplation. I just want to know about my heart and my feeling more. Try to realize that, mind is important but without heart and feeling, mind is nothing.